The Secret File of Fluff
by Maidenhair
Summary: When searching for ancient documents, I came upon a terrible file. DO NOT READ! THE FLUFF, IT BURNS!Chapter 3, EOW Fluff is posted. I would not suggest reading it.
1. Intro

**The Secret Files of Fluff**

Disclaimer: the characters used in this disturbingly fluffy story are not mine, my own, my precious… 

_As my colleagues and I traveled on our quest for ancient documents we our helicopter crash-landed in Paris. As we desperately strove to buy parts from the smelly locals we stumbled upon an old manuscript buried beneath the Opera House. Whe our French guide finished translating what we found we discovered to our horror that these were the long lost documents of fluff! It is my duty to bring ALL ancient writings to the eye of the public, but –and you may thank your lucky stars!- it is not you duty to read this. Several of my closest friends had to be institutionalized after these horrifically fluffy stories were told. The translator died, and I lost my legs (which I found, thank goodness, the next day!) To all who are unfortunate to have accidentally clicked on this fic, I urge you to leave now and never return or face the extreme fluff. There are only a few survivors!_


	2. Part 1, EC Fluff

**Part 1, E/C fluff**

The General Story

Erik and Christine were in love. Then Christine loved Raoul. Raoul turned evil. Erik and Christine married. The end.

The Poetry Version

It was E/C love,

Just like a dove,

Though this poem is bad,

Don't get mad,

'cuz it's E/C love,

and that can be spelt luv,

and kisses are from above,

ECECECECECECE…

_It gets worse_

The Humor Version

Insert dumb pun here.

"Christine I love you. Isn't that hilarious?"

Kiss. Kiss.

"Let's not kiss too much." Christine said.

"Ok."

"Ok? What's that mean?"

"I dunno."

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

The Tragic Version

"I will go back to Erik now, because Raoul is PURE EVIL!" Christine said.

When she came to the lair it was ransacked.

"Oh noooooo!"

And Erik was almost dead.

"Noooo!"

"But I still love you." He said.

"So? That doesn't change the fact that in about two seconds you'll die."

"Lets kiss for those two seconds." He suggested.

"Alright."

They did and he died and Josh Groban songs played magically in the background.

The Math Version

If one Erik and one Christine makes lots of fan girls squeal, and Erik gave Christine eight kisses Wednesday, nine Thursday, and twenty on Friday, how many did he give her on Saturday?

Answer: a lot.

**So, you have made it this far. Do NOT stay tuned for part 2, E/NOW fluff. STAY AWAY!**


	3. Part 3, EOW Fluff don't read this

Part 2: E/OW Fluff 

Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything, and even if I did own it I probably still wouldn't own it. 

The Happy Version 

Christine left Erik. Erik was sad. "Christine!" he shouted, "I always loved you and now you've left me with not but a memory of your love."

"Welcome to my nightmare." Aragorn said, appearing from no where and then vaporizing.

"Oh, Christine! Without your pretty little nice-ness I am terribly depressed. I think I'll just lie on the floor of my lair and allow water-droplets to drop incessantly on my forehead as I shrivel up and die!"

"Oh don't do that, Eriky-poo!" a woman said, walking into the lair.

"Why?" Erik asked.

"'cuz I LUV ya, you cute little freak!" The woman squealed.

"Well," Erik said, jumping up, "Off with the old, on with the new!"

"Darling!"

"Dearest!"

"But who are you?" Erik asked.

"I'm Mary Sue!"

"Yay!"

Kisses.

The Sad Version 

Christine had, once again, left Erik. However, unbeknownst to her, yet beknownst to us, Erik had contracted a rare illness and was 9/10s of the way dead already. Then Mary Sue arrived.

"Oh, no! Here I come all the way down here to confess my love to a man I have secretly admired and he is almost dead!" Mary Sue sobbed.

"Huh?" Erik asked weakly.

"I am Mary Sue, and I love you, but you're dying, what's a girl to do?"

"Oh, well, I may be dying, but I'll take advantage of this situation. Mary Sue is pretty!"

"I love you dearest, almost dead one!"

Erik coughed.

"Now I shall sing for you as you die in a voice that's miraculously better than Christine's!" Mary Sue proclaimed.

"That would be nice."

So she sang Heaven from Hayley Westenra's album "Pure". And Erik died.

The Humorous version 

Erik was alone, and then Mary Sue came and...

Dear reader, I regret to inform you that I cannot continue this version. My computer rejected it on the basis of self-defense.

The Poetry Version 

One day,

In May,

Christine Daae,

Went away,

But hey!

That's okay!

Mary Sue is here to stay!

The Math Version 

1Erik-ChristineX

XMary Sue and all her accessories

Simplify: Love + 45B if LBL(Erik) and L OW what does OW stand for?

Answer: Mary Sue

The Fantasy Version ErïkØen wept bitterly as Princess Ćhristinęwën Daaëithiliä road away with Viscount Ŕaoulio de ÆChaneybjorn. Then Máry Süe of Åvelon came, and all was happily ever after! The Sci-fi version 

Mari X Sue1 flew swiftly in her nuclear hyperpod. Then she crash-landed on the planet of Underoperalair. There she met Eerriikk, and they fell in love4000.

If you have made it thus far alive you are stronger than most. However, I warn you! Do not attempt part 3: R/C fluff. That was when the cartographer died.


End file.
